The Canadian

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealandand orders a shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist?
Do you drive a tixi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and yells,

"He's okay boys. He's one of us."

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You are now a Catholic.....

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper.
This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism, so they went over and talked to him. John decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy.
They took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and, just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill came wafting into their homes. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses!
WHAT WAS GOING ON?
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

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What causes Arthritis

A groggy guy who smelled of beer and booze sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes his glance turned toward the priest and he asked, "Can you tell me, Father, what causes pain and suffering of arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by general loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and," he sniffed tightly, "lack of a bath."
Stung by this reply, the drunk slumped in his seat, muttering, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what He had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

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A Queensland Drover Story………………

A Queensland drover was grazing his herd on the long acre along a remote pasture in outback Queensland when suddenly a brand-new Range Rover emerged from a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Bolle sunglasses and Yves St Laurent silk tie, leans out the window and asks the drover:
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The drover looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers: "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Nokia cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the drover and says:

"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the drover.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then the drover says to the young man:
"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says:
"Okay, why not?"

"You're a Parliamentarian from Canberra" says the drover.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the drover.

"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows.................Now give me back my dog."

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HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."

So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."

"We'll take 10."

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Aboriginal Wisdom

An Aboriginal elder, sat in his humpy eyeing two government officials sent to interview him.

One official said to him, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he has done."

The elder nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute, and then he calmly replied:

"When white man found this land, Aboriginals were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty kangaroo, Plenty fish, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex."

Then the elder leaned back and smiled before he added, "Only white man bloody stupid enough to think he could improve system like that."

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A Political Joke

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Father: Sure, son. What's the question?
Son: What is politics?
Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, and head of the house, so let's call me John Howard. Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Peter Costello. We take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. We'll call the maid the Working Class, and your baby brother we can call the Future. Do you understand, son?
Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.
Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?
Son: Well, dad, while John Howard is screwing the Working Class, Peter Costello is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.

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John and the kiddies

John Howard goes to a primary school to talk to the children about how wonderful Australia is. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and John asks him what his name is. "Billy."

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"Mr Prime Minister, I have 2 questions. First, why did you send our soldiers to Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you selling shares in Telstra when it was already owned by the mums and dads of Australia?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. John Howard informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume John says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. John points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 4 questions. First, why did you send our soldiers to Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you selling shares in Telstra when it was already owned by the mums and dads of Australia?" Third, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fourth, what happened to Billy?"

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Blondes....

Two blondes living in Townsville were sitting on a bench talking......
And one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Melbourne or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says
"Helloooooooooo, can you see Melbourne...?????"

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Language

A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus stop where
two locals are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch
sprechen?" he asks.
The two Aussies just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries.
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Aussie turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

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